PSUBS Vitreous Humour

[Rick Lucertini <empiricus@sprint.ca>]

David Buchner wrote:

> [snip]
> Hurry. Do not delay. Whether you have your own submersible, are building
> one, or you're just daydreaming, you must stick a fork in your eye. A salad
> fork is preferable.

David - you are one sick puppy.  This is a PSUBS list and recommending, of all
things, a salad fork in the eye is simply unacceptable and downright irresponsible.

Because of potential electrocution due to dripping vitreous humour on critical
electrical components, one should at least wait until all tanks are blown, the boat's
surfaced, and a diving mask is placed under the chin.  (BTW, vitreous humour makes a
great anti-fog coating).  Speaking of vitreous humour, anyone know any good porthole
jokes???

To your credit, as is typical, thank God, of this safety oriented list, you suggest a
fork in the eye - as in singular.  Had you suggested a fork - or two - in BOTH eyes,
I would have had to ask you to leave.  The potential for litigation would have been
too high.  Again, this is where we, as a group, shine in our ongoing concern for our
fellow psubbers.

In any case, "everyone knows" that a SALAD fork in the eye is one of the most
excruciating non-medical procedures inflictable by a non-KGB type.  You should use a
shrimp cocktail fork.

Ideally you want to disable the optic nerve at the soonest convenience.  This
convinces the brain that there is, in fact, no fork in the eye because everything has
gone black almost instantly. IF AND ONLY IF the long and narrow tines (pokies) of a
cocktail fork immediately bracket the optic nerve upon sudden insertion (and are
twisted like spaghetti) will there be minimum pain.  True to our disclaimer, I feel
compelled to restate the issue: CONSULT WITH A QUALIFIED HEALTH PROFESSIONAL !!!
This should only be attempted in one-at subs, by the way, due to possible barotrauma.

> This is a very good idea. You do not have to do your
> own research or hire an engineer; we have done your thinking for you. Just
> stick a fork in your eye. Testing is expensive and thinking is hard. So by
> all means, take our free advice and let the
> opthalmic-insertion-of-eating-utensil commence.

Now hold on here.  Testing is critical in all phases and is absolutely mandatory.  I
suggest cows' eyes from Monsanto.  Their eyes usually have a few extra parts from
their crop genetics and are quite challenging for the neophyte.  Lichee innards look
amazingly like a lens.

> Even if you have no
> interest in submarines or boats or even water -- even if you dislike lawn
> ornaments with a nautical theme, even if you stumbled upon this message by
> accident, still you really should stick a fork in your eye.

Point taken.  Speaking of lawn implements, the navy blue flamingos with the white
belts and the skippers' caps have excellent tines that are usually reserved for lawn
insertion.  Being huge, the tines neatly - and this is important - at the same time,
miss the bridge of the nose entirely, poke both eyes with ease, and completely miss
the spinal cord for those of you with extra enthusiasm.  Blind, but, not paralyzed.

> [snip]    You might think it's weird to just do things
> because some weirdo on the internet tells you to,

This is a PUBS list.  As such, all members have been vetted for unusual traits.
You're safe with us.

--
Rick Lucertini
empiricus@sprint.ca
(Vancouver, Canada)
________________________

"Outside of a dog books are a man's best friend -
Inside of a dog there isn't enough light to read."

   Groucho Marx